I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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