the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
