Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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