You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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