Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
