Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
