Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
