I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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