Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
