The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
