I'm eating all of the evidence.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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