I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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