Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
