I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
