My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
