I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
