T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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