yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My dick has a subreddit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
