So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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