She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
