Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
