Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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