there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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