Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
