You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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