I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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