I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
