from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
