Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Drunk is not a location!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
