I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
