I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
