I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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