I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
