remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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