I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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