i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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