I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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