just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
