Swine flu is the new snow day.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
