halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
