So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
