I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
