I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
