Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
