I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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