well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
