He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
