so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
