Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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