We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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