Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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