This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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