Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
