Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
